Friday, March 6, 2009

Solaah Somvaar

Its been almost a year since I came here and today was the first time I traveled in an air conditioned bus. Excusing the agonizing time it takes to actually get to your destination, I quite enjoyed the ride (or is it drive?). Everyday life is also a reminder of the fact that though we may be a generation that head bangs to Iron Maiden, we are still so Indian at heart. I know the word “Indian” itself encompasses space, so I wont try and explain what I meant by that statement. However, consider this:

We were having dinner with some guys and the conversation went from alcohol consumption to dwindling capacity for alcohol consumption to abstinence from liquor and non vegetarian food on some days to my frequenting the Babulnath temple on Mondays. (Babulnath FYI: dedicated to Lord Shiv built by the great Raja Bhimdev. A shrine whose mystery and enigma make it look distinctly out of place in the bubbling cosmopolitan uber chic of South Mumbai).

I go there every Monday. One of the guys nonchalantly blessed me with a great husband since he thought that I am following the austere custom of fasting every Monday for 16 weeks in hopes of a Sapno Ka Rajkumar whose company I would be blessed to endure for the next Saat Janams.

Me: “Hello! What the hell made you think that!.”
I was irritated by the fact that something that I do so selflessly, so wholeheartedly, for my own peace should be attributed to yet another tangible want.
Me: “I don’t go there to ask for a unknown, unseen stranger to come into my life to finally make it meaningful and justify my existence on the planet, as according to you guys, MY life as it were has been bereft of the aforementioned phenomena”

A Boy: ‘So why do you go there?’

Me: Because…… I like Shiv Bhagwan. He is innocent to a fault, brave, powerful, kind, forgiving, generous, gregarious, virile, strong, tender, esoteric….. I like that place. I like…..it.

Another Boy: So you go there hoping and in anticipation that you would also find someone like him. Rite?

Me: Well semi right……Id love that my “utopian” guy be adorned with all these qualities but that’s not why I go there.

A boy: The why go to Babulnath Mandir. Why not any other temple?

Me: Oh for Chrissake. I like it there!. I don’t know as to why out of a three million Hindu Gods, I choose to go to a temple dedicated to one of them. It just makes me feel good. I like it there! (I have started getting rhetorical and they have started loosing interest. Fergie and her number “Shut up, Just Shut up Shut up” is now occupying their attention.

Another Boy: And why go there on a Monday? Why not any other day?

Me: Because a Monday is supposed to be Shivas day.

Another Boy: ‘Crap! Any day is Shivas day. You just go there because you feel that going there religiously every Monday, practicing abstinence, climbing those umpteen number of stairs is the right thing to do. A customary feel good “Prayashchit (Penance) that you do to assure yourself that you are still a good girl. (Why the reassurance?) Unaware but still rooted to image of the traditional Indian Girl who follows customs and rituals to the letter. The middle class, virtuous Indian girl whose mind since childhood has been fed with ideals like: “A pious life = Presence in Heaven. Good Deeds, service to the poor = Road to Nirvana, freedom from the cycle of birth and death. 16 Somvaars = Great Paati, Rich Pati, Great Shaadi, Khoob Saare Bache and Happily Ever After.

You want to be a Power Woman, the sole definition of a perfect woman. The woman who delivers Sales presentations by the day and the parties hard at night. The woman who jet sets from one client meet to another and yet manages to look fresh as a Daisy. The woman who has had twins but still had the bod of a Hoorie. The woman who seduces her guy clothed in satin and silk and the next morning takes his Mom out for shopping. The woman who argues for freedom of sexual expression by quoting examples from our scared texts. Don’t you ever get tired? So many roles, so many facades……

You are a hypocrite. You know why? On one hand you parade for sexual freedom and on the other are miffed when a guy does not find you “marriage material”. On one hand you dress to give every guy on the scene a hard on and on the other hand want respect and mutual liking to be the foundation for initiating any kind of relationship. Sipping a Dirty Martini, flicking ash from a Benson Lights, in clothes that leave little to the imagination you maintain that you don’t want to be judged. Why bother about being judged if you are as liberated and as independent from peoples opinions as you think yourself to be. You want a guy to get into your pants, seduction, enticement, manipulation, coerced attraction all play a part to get you what you want If a guy wants to get into your pants and God forbid you want to “hold hands only”, then He is labeled a Dickhead and You the injured party. Forget the fact that for majority of Indian males, “letters to the Penthouse” and “playboy” have been the major if not only outlets of suppressed sexuality.

Bull crap that you go to Babulnath because……. "You like it there!”

Sorry. I didn’t mean to get personal. I am four drinks down and am just bitching about the fairer sex in general and for the record, I like my women on top!’

Star Movies that was airing Psycho saved the remainder of dinner. He has however set me thinking.
In a perennial battle of values and ideals am I forgetting to be ME?
Torn between being a rebel and the perfect daughter do I even stop to think of what I really want?
Mouthing F*** You, MC, BC at the slightest pretext, would I get uncomfortable if I were judged as loose?
I do want Shiv as my Husband. By wishing that, do I stand downgraded to the status of a “confused, desperately wanting to fit in wanabe?”
My life is on the fast lane. But I don’t want to be judged.
Am I really free??

10 comments:

hitch writer said...

bah !

sometimes the talks veer out of control... at times people always get into a rut of always looking at things according to his mind...

what we do and what we think whilst doing a particular ritual is not at all necessary the same for another person...

you are free... as long as you dont bother bout what people judge you as !!

Suman said...

*smiles*..did the guy actually say all this ;)..and lived to see the next day ;) ..then u are loosing it girl.. ;):)

Suman said...

I feel u are pretty confused in the last part... .. perfect daughter vs rebel ..

U are more than free..
1. U smoke bcos u want to ( u were never taught to smoke )
2. U drink bcos u want to ( u were never taught to drink )
3. U wear dresses of your choice bcos u want to ( u were never taught to dress in a particular way )
4. U DO NOT eat non-veg bcos u are not comfortable with it..
(But u grew up with this.. and u still maintain this.. bcos
1. u like being a veg..
2. it is in thing to be a veg ;) )

jokes apart. u changed wherever u wanted to .. so where is the 'not being free' part..

U trying out all the stunts.. which u want to.. tis fine.. enjoy it..
going to the temple doesnt make u traditional ..even if it is no probs...being traditional after the night at the disc is in thing and also your model lady ;))..

ok jokes apart.. we go to the temple to be at peace.. to feel good.. even when u are asking for good things.. u come out pleased.. and it is ok .. there should be somebody in this world whom we can ask from and not be termed as a beggar or laughed at or feel bad or a 'no' shouted at us.. ..

do not stop your visits to the temple.. and DO NOT think of the confused / clear conversation when u are there..
[ why i say confused / clear conversation.. .. the guy has a point ( am not claiming right or wrong ) with all the observations about a lady.. BUT I do not see how it fitted / why it crept into this conversation of your going to babul temple.. absolutely out of context ] ..

had u told him.. 'i want to hold hands only ' to him by any chance ;)

Kamana said...

dekho, very word in print in my blog doesnt necessarily need to take place as it is narrated in order for me to blog it down.... go figure.

Thanks for the comment... i knw me is free and confusion and moi have always been best buds!.

GuNs said...

I can't believe that guy could speak so much sense even when he was "4 drinks down". I salute him, whatever his name is. Yay for some much-needed men's rights.

-PeAcE
--WiTh
---GuNs

Kamana said...

Well... so sorry to bust ur ego... but tht was jes me toking.

p.s NO GUY can tok sense after he is down four drinks.

ashkd said...

i am jealous of how you have put everything so correctly.. may be most of us have this dilemma of finding of what type we are.. and we land up having thoughts about ourselves like that only.. people who donot get these thoughts are plain dumb and they only project that they are super human with all the self-actualized state of mind.. so.. i donot know!! :-)

Amrutaa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amrutaa said...

bless that guuy n all he said!! he wondered all that i wonder- aloud!
think of how u were before and all the things u judged in other chics that you are oh-so-cool with now ....n if you are, then who ele matters? and if you arent, then who're u kidding?!

nishchaya said...

First time here, not sure how I reached though. Don't know what do we call this (identity crisis or something? my angrezi is weak)
You're not the only one who face this dilemma. Things that have been deep rooted in our psyche, that were instilled during our upbringing would always come back to conflicting terms when confronted with our changed self. No amount of advice or suggestions would help and the onus is totally on the person to sort out things for himself and to introspect about one's individuality. Considering the fact that there was no drunk guy and you had written it all over, that was one cracker of a post. Keep writing!